Rules of Engagement with the Grill Master

Opinions are like arseholes, everyone has one. Hell, I am an opinionated arsehole, so its a double whammy with me. I also suffer from hereditary foot in mouth disease, so my opinions come with the added weight of situation-ally inappropriate comments, bolstered by the belief, that I am the most knowledgeable mofo in any given room. 

You see in the real world of earning and paying bills so forth, I am paid to share my thoughts and opinions. As the grand poobah of a small consulting and investment banking firm,  C-suite  pay us to tell them what they are doing wrong and what they should do to make their business and investments better. So you can see how my vocation, my genes, my size and my general outlook in life, is to be a bit of a dick with my opinions....

That said I know through experience who not to give my unwarranted opinions to, because it is self fucking preservation.....   

You do not drop "that's how its done" with:

• Lawyers: Because you rather not become Bruno's bitch in ward C
• Police: Because its fucking stupid to argue with someone less intelligent holding a weapon and in some countries a license to kill you.  
• Proctologist: you really need an explanation ? 

And last and most importantly, chefs which includes the grill master at the BBQ: Because they are feeding you, simpleton. 

Manning the grill, stove, kitchen comes with a certain pride and responsibility, even in a home kitchen. if you have ever worked in a professional kitchen you would know the fucking back breaking 50 lbs of potatoes you have peeled and early morning stocks and sauces stations you have to man before you are even deemed worthy of holding the damn tongs. 

Same goes with being the designated grill master at every BBQ party. You are it, because you love it, you are good at it and everybody knows it. There is a massive ego that goes with manning that grill. Most grill masters can sort out who around them is good at juggling kilos of meat, fish and veggies on burning coals and embers at the same time, while drinking copious amounts of booze and who is a pleb. 

So if someone gives unsolicited advice to said grill master, don't be surprised if they: 

• Give you the stare of death
• Throw burning embers at you 
• or smack you

 

So what are the rules of engagement with said Demi-God grill master that is feeding you finely seasoned and perfectly cooked flesh? 

• Respect the hallowed ground they command, about 2 meters around the grill. 
• Help clean up around them if they are busy cooking and portioning
• Keep some clean serving dishes around and then offer to help serve
• Help clean up the cutting board if required, its hard to get away from the grill if there is a lot of food being cooked
• Never offer unsolicited advice on the cooking or the grill
• Feel free to ask what they are doing and how they marinated it, cooks love to share, that's why they choose to stick by a burning drum for hours, even in the midday sun
• Keep them hydrated with alcohol, my choice being Vodka, because beer is for country folks. 
• And Prima Nocte is some cases is acceptable