Rules of Engagement with the Grill Master

Opinions are like arseholes, everyone has one. Hell, I am an opinionated arsehole, so its a double whammy with me. I also suffer from hereditary foot in mouth disease, so my opinions come with the added weight of situation-ally inappropriate comments, bolstered by the belief, that I am the most knowledgeable mofo in any given room. 

You see in the real world of earning and paying bills so forth, I am paid to share my thoughts and opinions. As the grand poobah of a small consulting and investment banking firm,  C-suite  pay us to tell them what they are doing wrong and what they should do to make their business and investments better. So you can see how my vocation, my genes, my size and my general outlook in life, is to be a bit of a dick with my opinions....

That said I know through experience who not to give my unwarranted opinions to, because it is self fucking preservation.....   

You do not drop "that's how its done" with:

• Lawyers: Because you rather not become Bruno's bitch in ward C
• Police: Because its fucking stupid to argue with someone less intelligent holding a weapon and in some countries a license to kill you.  
• Proctologist: you really need an explanation ? 

And last and most importantly, chefs which includes the grill master at the BBQ: Because they are feeding you, simpleton. 

Manning the grill, stove, kitchen comes with a certain pride and responsibility, even in a home kitchen. if you have ever worked in a professional kitchen you would know the fucking back breaking 50 lbs of potatoes you have peeled and early morning stocks and sauces stations you have to man before you are even deemed worthy of holding the damn tongs. 

Same goes with being the designated grill master at every BBQ party. You are it, because you love it, you are good at it and everybody knows it. There is a massive ego that goes with manning that grill. Most grill masters can sort out who around them is good at juggling kilos of meat, fish and veggies on burning coals and embers at the same time, while drinking copious amounts of booze and who is a pleb. 

So if someone gives unsolicited advice to said grill master, don't be surprised if they: 

• Give you the stare of death
• Throw burning embers at you 
• or smack you

 

So what are the rules of engagement with said Demi-God grill master that is feeding you finely seasoned and perfectly cooked flesh? 

• Respect the hallowed ground they command, about 2 meters around the grill. 
• Help clean up around them if they are busy cooking and portioning
• Keep some clean serving dishes around and then offer to help serve
• Help clean up the cutting board if required, its hard to get away from the grill if there is a lot of food being cooked
• Never offer unsolicited advice on the cooking or the grill
• Feel free to ask what they are doing and how they marinated it, cooks love to share, that's why they choose to stick by a burning drum for hours, even in the midday sun
• Keep them hydrated with alcohol, my choice being Vodka, because beer is for country folks. 
• And Prima Nocte is some cases is acceptable  

Recipe: Thai Basil Chicken: Pad kra pao gai (ผัดกระเพราไก่)

Here goes the first recipe: once again, it might take me some time to have a format that I settle into: 

This is a recipe from a dish I did a few days ago and many of you have seen and commented on the pics I posted on FB. A lot of stuff is going to get repeated as I build up content for the website www.thefatbastard.org, which is yet to go live. 

Another note: If you do plan to cook a lot of Thai food get your self some basic tools and ingredients that you will need. 

Here are some tips:

 Get your self a Thai or Laotian clay mortar and pestle, if you can't, then any mortar and pestle will do. If you use a food processor the heat from the blades changes the flavor. If you are lazy and couldn't give a shit about the change in flavor, then this is probably not the blog for you. 

If you cook Thai, Chinese, Malay, Indonesian, you need a Wok. The higher temperatures, the quick cooking method, the seared and charred flavor, maximum flavor extraction, all comes from the Wok. None of your dishes will come out well or remotely authentic without a wok. It is a cheap investment, but pays fantastic dividends.   

Nam Pla or Fish Sauce, made from fermented fish, is the base and umame ingredient in most Thai dishes. Don't go on just the smell (it's rough), the salty pungent flavor is the basis for that authentic Thai dining experience. Here is the brand I use and it is most common brand around. If you are a vegetarian and don't or will not use fish sauce, then perhaps use extra soy sauce after you have flogged yourself with a knotted rope a dozen times. 

Thai Basil or Thai Royal basil only, not just Basil, not Genovese basil that you use for Pesto.....Just Thai Basil

There are a few more key ingredients that I will add in another post, because I can go on forever here. Plus I need to create more content. 

Recipe: Thai Basil Chicken served with a runny fried egg: Pad kra pao gai (ผัดกระเพราไก่)

Sawadee: Welcome

The key here is Thai basil, or Thai royal basil, if you can't get some, then stop and don't even try this recipe because its fucking pointless. I grow my own Thai Basil in little pots, so I can only make this dish when more leaves bloom. It sucks, but it's so much better when you have to wait for it.  

Always serve the Krapao with a fried egg with a runny yolk, because any other way is pedestrian. If you like your egg yolk hard, then look in the mirror and pity yourself. 

1 kilo small diced boneless, skinless chicken breast. 

5 red chilies, preferably Thai 

4 cloves of garlic

1 tablespoon oyster sauce

1 tablespoon regular Soy sauce

1 Teaspoon Dark Soy (the thick syrupy one) 

1 teaspoon sugar

3 Tablespoons of vegetable oil

1 large handful of Thai Basil. I have massive hands, might need to 2 handfuls for you regular folks. 

Keep your ingredients ready and measured, because you are or should be using a Wok, and things go fast with a hot wok. 

• Use your mortar and pestle to grind down the chili and garlic

Once again, it is crucial to use a mortar and pestle because a food processor will change the flavors. The consistency you see here is about right and ready. 

• Heat your wok up on high, a super hot wok is crucial. It adds a depth of smokiness, a charred taste and it seals in the flavor of the meat. 

• Remember to move fast, spread the oil around and as soon as it starts smoking, it's a go. 
• Add the oil and once the wok starts smoking add the chili-garlic paste, stir fry fast and furiously for about 30 seconds and then add the diced chicken. 
• Cook the chicken for about a minute and then add the soy, dark soy, oyster sauce and sugar and cook stirring the entire time, making sure nothing sticks to the wok. 
• You might need to sprinkle some water depending on if things start sticking or gets too dry. 3-5 minutes is all it takes once you add the wet ingredients. 
• Final step is to add the Thai basil and immediately shut of the gas, but keep stirring. Thai basil packs a lot of flavor, but looses it all if you over heat it. 

I slightly over did it on the dark soy, but you get the idea. 

Now serve it over some Thai jasmine rice, topped with a fried egg and say "I love you looong time" in a Thai accent to the screen and share this with your friends. 

Kòp Kun : Thank You