Rules of Engagement with the Grill Master

Opinions are like arseholes, everyone has one. Hell, I am an opinionated arsehole, so its a double whammy with me. I also suffer from hereditary foot in mouth disease, so my opinions come with the added weight of situation-ally inappropriate comments, bolstered by the belief, that I am the most knowledgeable mofo in any given room. 

You see in the real world of earning and paying bills so forth, I am paid to share my thoughts and opinions. As the grand poobah of a small consulting and investment banking firm,  C-suite  pay us to tell them what they are doing wrong and what they should do to make their business and investments better. So you can see how my vocation, my genes, my size and my general outlook in life, is to be a bit of a dick with my opinions....

That said I know through experience who not to give my unwarranted opinions to, because it is self fucking preservation.....   

You do not drop "that's how its done" with:

• Lawyers: Because you rather not become Bruno's bitch in ward C
• Police: Because its fucking stupid to argue with someone less intelligent holding a weapon and in some countries a license to kill you.  
• Proctologist: you really need an explanation ? 

And last and most importantly, chefs which includes the grill master at the BBQ: Because they are feeding you, simpleton. 

Manning the grill, stove, kitchen comes with a certain pride and responsibility, even in a home kitchen. if you have ever worked in a professional kitchen you would know the fucking back breaking 50 lbs of potatoes you have peeled and early morning stocks and sauces stations you have to man before you are even deemed worthy of holding the damn tongs. 

Same goes with being the designated grill master at every BBQ party. You are it, because you love it, you are good at it and everybody knows it. There is a massive ego that goes with manning that grill. Most grill masters can sort out who around them is good at juggling kilos of meat, fish and veggies on burning coals and embers at the same time, while drinking copious amounts of booze and who is a pleb. 

So if someone gives unsolicited advice to said grill master, don't be surprised if they: 

• Give you the stare of death
• Throw burning embers at you 
• or smack you

 

So what are the rules of engagement with said Demi-God grill master that is feeding you finely seasoned and perfectly cooked flesh? 

• Respect the hallowed ground they command, about 2 meters around the grill. 
• Help clean up around them if they are busy cooking and portioning
• Keep some clean serving dishes around and then offer to help serve
• Help clean up the cutting board if required, its hard to get away from the grill if there is a lot of food being cooked
• Never offer unsolicited advice on the cooking or the grill
• Feel free to ask what they are doing and how they marinated it, cooks love to share, that's why they choose to stick by a burning drum for hours, even in the midday sun
• Keep them hydrated with alcohol, my choice being Vodka, because beer is for country folks. 
• And Prima Nocte is some cases is acceptable  

Recipe: Thai Basil Chicken: Pad kra pao gai (ผัดกระเพราไก่)

Here goes the first recipe: once again, it might take me some time to have a format that I settle into: 

This is a recipe from a dish I did a few days ago and many of you have seen and commented on the pics I posted on FB. A lot of stuff is going to get repeated as I build up content for the website www.thefatbastard.org, which is yet to go live. 

Another note: If you do plan to cook a lot of Thai food get your self some basic tools and ingredients that you will need. 

Here are some tips:

 Get your self a Thai or Laotian clay mortar and pestle, if you can't, then any mortar and pestle will do. If you use a food processor the heat from the blades changes the flavor. If you are lazy and couldn't give a shit about the change in flavor, then this is probably not the blog for you. 

If you cook Thai, Chinese, Malay, Indonesian, you need a Wok. The higher temperatures, the quick cooking method, the seared and charred flavor, maximum flavor extraction, all comes from the Wok. None of your dishes will come out well or remotely authentic without a wok. It is a cheap investment, but pays fantastic dividends.   

Nam Pla or Fish Sauce, made from fermented fish, is the base and umame ingredient in most Thai dishes. Don't go on just the smell (it's rough), the salty pungent flavor is the basis for that authentic Thai dining experience. Here is the brand I use and it is most common brand around. If you are a vegetarian and don't or will not use fish sauce, then perhaps use extra soy sauce after you have flogged yourself with a knotted rope a dozen times. 

Thai Basil or Thai Royal basil only, not just Basil, not Genovese basil that you use for Pesto.....Just Thai Basil

There are a few more key ingredients that I will add in another post, because I can go on forever here. Plus I need to create more content. 

Recipe: Thai Basil Chicken served with a runny fried egg: Pad kra pao gai (ผัดกระเพราไก่)

Sawadee: Welcome

The key here is Thai basil, or Thai royal basil, if you can't get some, then stop and don't even try this recipe because its fucking pointless. I grow my own Thai Basil in little pots, so I can only make this dish when more leaves bloom. It sucks, but it's so much better when you have to wait for it.  

Always serve the Krapao with a fried egg with a runny yolk, because any other way is pedestrian. If you like your egg yolk hard, then look in the mirror and pity yourself. 

1 kilo small diced boneless, skinless chicken breast. 

5 red chilies, preferably Thai 

4 cloves of garlic

1 tablespoon oyster sauce

1 tablespoon regular Soy sauce

1 Teaspoon Dark Soy (the thick syrupy one) 

1 teaspoon sugar

3 Tablespoons of vegetable oil

1 large handful of Thai Basil. I have massive hands, might need to 2 handfuls for you regular folks. 

Keep your ingredients ready and measured, because you are or should be using a Wok, and things go fast with a hot wok. 

• Use your mortar and pestle to grind down the chili and garlic

Once again, it is crucial to use a mortar and pestle because a food processor will change the flavors. The consistency you see here is about right and ready. 

• Heat your wok up on high, a super hot wok is crucial. It adds a depth of smokiness, a charred taste and it seals in the flavor of the meat. 

• Remember to move fast, spread the oil around and as soon as it starts smoking, it's a go. 
• Add the oil and once the wok starts smoking add the chili-garlic paste, stir fry fast and furiously for about 30 seconds and then add the diced chicken. 
• Cook the chicken for about a minute and then add the soy, dark soy, oyster sauce and sugar and cook stirring the entire time, making sure nothing sticks to the wok. 
• You might need to sprinkle some water depending on if things start sticking or gets too dry. 3-5 minutes is all it takes once you add the wet ingredients. 
• Final step is to add the Thai basil and immediately shut of the gas, but keep stirring. Thai basil packs a lot of flavor, but looses it all if you over heat it. 

I slightly over did it on the dark soy, but you get the idea. 

Now serve it over some Thai jasmine rice, topped with a fried egg and say "I love you looong time" in a Thai accent to the screen and share this with your friends. 

Kòp Kun : Thank You 

Dining Report: Shui Wei Village Sichuan Restaraunt

Its the first report, it will take me a few to figure out a good format and style. A dining report is shorter and less detailed than what I consider a review. There will obviously be a lot more dining reports than reviews because I am lazy like that and couldn't be arsed to write lengthy odes to gluttony. 

Dining Report - Shui Wei Village, Sichuan, 
in Shui Wei Village, Futian, Shenzhen, China 

First of all, that's not the name of the place, its just located in Shui Wei, Futian and we have been going there for many years without ever bothering to learn the name. It is a favorite haunt of the Congee Snowball crew and we pretty much know everyone there and order from a short list of regular dishes. 

A quick word on Sichuan (Szechwan) food. It is probably the most popular style and name of Chinese dishes known around the world. With a very few exceptions, what is internationally served as Sichuan food is absolute stodge, mostly gooey shite with an extra dose of industrial chili sauce.

SO, what is it ? Its the food from the southwestern province of Sichuan, which in Chinese is the abbreviation for the 'Four Circuits of Rivers', Sì Chuānlù (四川路). Spicy, oily, garlicky, pungent, mouth numbing, arse burning,  ear ringing, hot and fiery are some the words used around Sichuan food. Its particularly famous for its use of the Sichuan pepper or Huajiao (flower pepper), a tingly numbing spice (think fireball) and loads and loads of garlic, ginger, star anise and the mountains of chili peppers that leave you in sweaty underpants, in a good way. 

Shui Wei Village Sichuan (not actual name) is a mid level priced (50-100 RMB range) in the heart of Shui Wei Village, a diners paradise with excellent street food and plenty of seated dining options and a lot of massage places :) . It is probably one of the more authentic Sichuan spots in Shenzhen and the shuffling crowds until the wee hours of the morning are a testament to what the kitchen consistently sends out. Personally, I think there are better places around Shenzhen, but the lads love this place and its hard to convince them otherwise. Everything the lads do is the best, greatest, biggest......all superlatives...:) 

This is the entrance, maybe someone kind enough can translate the name for every one. If you need directions, send me a note. 

This time it was just my family (wife and 2 little daughters) dining, so we kept it pretty simple and didn't go for the super spicy stuff that I usually enjoy after a few pints. BTW, Sichuan food tastes best after a few drinks, it just hits the perfect notes when you are slurring. 

This is one of my favorites dishes on the menu there, and I have no idea what to call it. It is a kind of long bean and fire roasted green chili(the not spicy variety) with vinegar and huajiao (Sichuan pepper). Its a truly simple but layered dish with the crispness of the lightly cooked long beans with the smokey flavor of the chili. 

Not the most flattering picture here, but that is cabbage with chili and a dash of dark vinegar. Its a family favorite and makes me feel like an adult eating my veggies. I can devour a whole plate of this in a seating. 

This is a specialty of the chef and owner of the place and I have not seen anywhere else. An absolute favorite among the lads, this is super crispy fried tofu fingerlings tossed in spicy shallot, garlic and chili sauce. The outside is nice and crispy with a delicate tofu cheesyness inside. Its even better dipped into the cold chili oil that can be ordered separately. 

Not exactly what I thought I ordered, it was decent enough. I was going for the spicy mustard greens that our maid used to make in winters. This was a slightly opaque green leafy vegetable cooked with a bit of ground pork. This is not going get ordered again.

Again the picture doesn't do any justice to this lads favorite. 4 different chilies cooked with salted pork belly and bacon. This spicy porky goodness is the perfect winter dish. Each chili has its unique flavor and its all brought together by the umame of the swine, which in my world is the best kind. 

A little similar to the previous dish, this is an even spicier bacon, pork belly and tendon dish cooked with bamboo shoots, chilies and a lot of garlic. It is served in a small wok that cooks on a tabletop burner intensifying the heat and flavors as it goes. It leaves your lips sticking together while you try to breathe a cooling breath to calm your taste buds. 

I am not a big fan of cauliflower in general, but this dish is fucking brilliant. The florets are cooked with smoked and salted pork belly and chilies. The smokiness of the pork which is just a flavoring agent, goes perfectly with the crispy tops of the florets. Also served in a wok on a tabletop burner, with time the edges of the florets get just the right amount of crisp and it changes the dish ever so slightly. 

That about sums it up. 

You will notice a bit of a theme across the meal, PORK...in all its glory. Pork plays a massive role in Chinese cuisine, across all the major provincial classifications except Xinjiang which is majority Muslim. The Chinese devour pork in the most incredible variety and forms. It is the meat, flavoring agent and fat of choice. 

I give this place 3 forks out of 5. 

Kick off- Finally

Countless hours, days, weeks, months and years of procrastination, finally starting this damn thing after thinking about it for so fucking long. 

While creating this blog I realized I had already saved a blog named gastromanic a few years ago......number of posts... ZERO. And before that was another blog Tip of a bottle, total posts 2 !! Hopefully this blog doesn't suffer the same lethargy as my previous tries. 

As a type this, my wife Nino sitting next to me, leans over and says, "please don't make this pompous as some of your Facebook posts". I will try and keep that theme as I share what I eat, what I cook and where I travel to. This blog is supposed to connect at some point with my website The Fat Bastard once its up and running. I am hoping to create a space for sharing food ideas, recipes, pictures, reviews, travels and my opinions, of which I have many. When researching names, the biggest and only fan of my first blog, my sister, Himali, suggested I keep it edgy, because "you are an opinionated bastard". This was supported unanimously by my friends Mark, Matt & Tom, who are all part of the Congee Snowball Team(the sexual connotation is indeed the play here)  

To break it down further: 

Reviews: As an ex-chef (previous life), I suppose I still have an insiders perspective of the industry and might be kinder, but as an opinionated bastard, I will write what I think and feel about the place and food. It is for that reason, I will not review places owned by my friends, because its not going to be pretty and I still want to eat out with them. I also don't plan to write that many reviews because its tedious shit and I am lazy. 

Street Food: I fucking love street food, I think the soul of the city and its people is found in the food they cook, eat and share. Some of the best food in the world can be found between the dodgiest alleys, served up by professionals that have earned the respect and trust of the locals who patronize them. If one more self proclaimed foodie ever says "I just don't do street food, because its yuck" I am going name a turd after them and double flush that fucker. 

Cuisines: The world is way to fucking PC and throws the word cuisine around like American kindergartens give out certificates of appreciations WTF !! You have to have a complex layered historical reference to call a food a cuisine. There have to be regional and cultural layers, multiple flavor profiles to be called a cuisine. There has to be a genuine love affair between the people and their food. An examples of a cuisine is: French, Italian, Chinese, Indian, Thai.....What is not a cuisine, but just a food: Filipino, Dutch, German, Cambodian....A Crispy Pata and Adobo make not a cuisine, its just meh !!. Likewise if you don't know fuck all about the particular cuisine, don't drop knowledge on it. Its tiresome to hear expats talk about Chinese food because they live in China and have had Dim Sum on Sundays. I am ranting on about this because......I feel like, it annoys me. Plenty more rants on this subject coming up. 

Vegetarians: I have grown up a bit, so I will be kind, sort of. 
Vegans, gluten free snobs: I have one word for you, GITMO 

China, Social Media: Its all banned here, so this is not going to be easy, I have a VPN, but its shitty on my mobile which is what I use to take the countless pictures. BTW, as I try to publish this, my VPN is not working at all...bloody ominous. 

Backdated: A lot of the early posts are going to be from my previous trips, of which there are many, because we do a lot of travelling. in 2014 alone we hit up: Bangkok, Koh Samui, Siem Reap, Phnom Phen, Bali, Singapore, Shanghai, Hong Kong, New Delhi, Indore, Baroda, New York, Boston, Houston, Istanbul, Tbilisi. 

on that note....here we go